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Paving The Road I Travel

22nd April, 2008. 3:20 am. analysis of illusion

I keep trying to decide how to start this.  Problem is, there's already too much drama involved, for someone who keeps relatively little drama in place.  I'll just get to it.

I've come to a realization just now.  I love a city very much like the one in which I live.  Unfortunately, it's not the one that houses me now.  Where I live now is a shell of the city I love, one that has been hardened by years of abuse, misuse, and neglect.  This shell is broken, all but irreparably.  It has diseases it can't cure, the kind that waiting it out for the worst seems like the only option.

What remains is still powerful, as it was before.  The entity that has replaced the once vibrant joy is one that tries to mask its unsightly scars and lesions. 

There is still the soul of the city.    It still has that unique charm that brought me to it a very long time ago.  It still has the power to awaken within you a desire for new experience, while tempering it with an old familiar charm.  It still has the ability to brighten even the worst days with just a simple change of scenery.  It is still abuzz with life; ever evolving around, strangely enough, a constant schedule.  It is where fluidity meets rigidity to produce antiquity.

I've finally seen it for what it's been hiding from me, from everyone who isn't here long enough to adapt.  It has a deeper dark side than I've known.  Clues have definitely made themselves apparent, in the form of murders, homelessness, and elitism.  I find myself bested by the powers within these unsavory forces.  It is because of ill preparation. 

So enamored with the charm and life presented by New Orleans, I boldly went where others warned.  In my head, I had already seen it for what it is, through and through.  I knew where was good to be, where wasn't so good to be, and how to navigate through it all.  I knew my way around, I knew people, I had it made.  Then I got here.  I started doing the things I'd always known New Orleans for--partying, drinking, seeing friends, having a good time.

Slowly, over time, the depressive powers around were working their magic on me.  I could see the tiered system and its effects on the city's society.  I could see the despair and utter want for simplicity, or at least what the city called "simplicity" before the storm.  I slowly watched as I repeatedly shielded myself from all of its horrors by using powerful mental distractions.  (Hell, even when I quit drinking I was still smoking.)

It finally hit me today.

I was reading an article on nola.com about a law prohibiting sleeping in public spaces.  On the way through, it finally occurred to me just how bad life can actually be.  Better put, it finally occurred to me that it's going to take a very long time for this city to come back to where it once was.  It also occurred to me that I might be watching two forces, born of the same mold--poverty--work in tandem to slow, and possibly discourage, any growth towards that goal.

I also discovered that, over time, these depressive subconscious hints have slowly eaten away at me, as well.  Either that, or I just don't want to admit that I've become an asshole over time.  I'm gonna say "a little from column A, a little from column B" just to make myself feel better, but no, it's true.  I've been an asshole.  It's been getting worse and worse over the past few years, somewhat of a reaction to past events.  I've developed such a rear-minded viewpoint of life that it may take years for me to fix it. 

I know where it has to start, though:  I have to cut it all out.  I also know that it's a harder thing to do than I gave credit, espeically since when I wasn't drinking I was smoking enough to fill in the gaps.  That's about as mentally unhealthy as anything I've "done to ease life's pains" over the past few years.  If ever there was a defining moment for such improper thinking, it came as I was preparing to type this.  If ever there came time for me to actually act on it, and quit selling myself short, it came now. 

There also came another realization:  It's time to see life for what it really is.  I should quit shielding myself from all the bad things around me, so that I may experience them and adapt to them.  I should accept that life will have its good points as well as bad.  I should learn that, when the world caves in on me, it's just time for me to start building up the supports myself.  I've been relying on my friends far too much, and it's because I've broken my own system of handling things myself.  Where I was once able to compartmentalize, I find myself in shock and awed by the cruelty life can behold.  Unfortunately, rather than seeing the shock for what it is, I attempt to numb the shock itself rather than concentrating on the cause.

The fucked up thing is I'm not going to do a damned thing.  Well, I will for a couple of weeks.  I might stop drinking until someone comes up with a suitable enough excuse (it's ______'s birthday, ______ just graduated, tubing, more tubing, haven't seen you in a while, i just won a pool match, it's been a long day), then the excuses become "aww, fuck it, I'll deal with this later", then it's back to drinking for me. 

Or, I'll stop smoking until the same set of excuses comes up, or I have to "at least smoke what I have left", further subduing and negating the force[s] within me that try to regulate my moods and habits, all while indulging in healthy activities.  I'll stop being that guy I'm used to being, the one who does stuff for people because it's the right thing to do, and a nice thing to do, and go back to the one who does stuff only for people who have done things for him, and most recently.  Or, even better, the guy who does that, then later realizes that's probably not the right course of action, then tries to overcompensate doing the right thing.

It'll be more of that guy whose friends hang out with him because they know he has more funny and selfless moments than he does ignorant and seemingly cold ones.  I can't believe I found the cure for that guy and stopped applying it.  It's so easy.  All I have to do is get up, leave the computer off, go outside, and just do something.  No, I get stoned and suddenly don't want to do anything else, or I am recovering from a hangover, requiring further rest, completely disrupting whatever semblance of a sleep pattern I may have ever had, and spend my days routinely running out of energy and, as a result, patience.


For those of you who've managed to actually read all this, this is the type of thing that goes on in my private blogs.  Problem is, I have kept it to myself, thinking "I can't go talking to my friends about this stuff, they already deal with enough of my blabbering", or "come on, the system's not totally broken; you can handle this shit yourself".  As much as I come to you guys with the little things, I "selectively" seek feedback on the bigger issues, the things that trouble me most.  The system worked best when more people had a say in it.

And so, to those of you I might see on a near-daily basis, feel free to let me know about myself--constructively.  I'm finally seeing the douche bag I didn't know I was, and am seeking assistance in remedying this situation once and for all.  I've been quick to jump to conclusions, such as all this being symptoms of a greater cause.  It fails to occur to me, every time I'm able to overcome little challenges, that the human brain is way more powerful than we can possibly ever hope to understand.  (For the record, it did evolve from a previously less-than-functional model; it was not some sort of intelligent design pyramid scheme.)  I'm not bipolar, I'm not depressed, I don't have alcoholism, I'm not addicted to the ties that bind me down.  I am, less hopelessly than I was when I started writing this thing an hour ago, not in need of psychological counseling or treatment. 

Well, at least I hope not--the amount of partying in my past may well have done more irreparable damage than previously thought.  At any rate, it would be unwise for me to further exacerbate the situation by using chemical alteration to fix what chemical alteration inadvertently broke.

Current mood: contemplative.

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24th November, 2007. 5:20 am. We lost.

I still can't believe it. A stupid dream I woke up from, almost in a sweat. Fate accomplished. Now i'm sure word on the street is that we'll join the coaching merry-go-round that started on Monday. What sucks is I saw in his face that he was gone. I didn't want to believe it until I saw it for myself, but that's what was up. He was holding back tears for some reason. That had to be it. And this was in the third quarter! My goodness, man. It was all there. All right out in front of us. I tried to write that dream off; I tried to to focus on the here and now. When we couldn't get more than 6 points in the first quarter, that's when I knew it was over. That was disgusting. Falling off the edge. Fait accompli. Now what, since we've lost what was most important. Man that team looked worn. No conditioning. Like they couldn't hang for an extended period. I can't get off it. Can't get over it. Might have something to do with not being able to sleep with an allergic reaction. Who knows.

Current mood: angry.

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4th November, 2007. 10:04 am. here we are again.

I start having problems in my head, I come to LiveJournal to try to work them out.  Today, we attempt to follow advice given by a horoscope.  In fact:

"You feel emotionally vulnerable now that the Moon is back in your sign and you may feel slighted if you don't receive the appreciation that you deserve for your hard work. You are usually willing to help others, but you should also give something to yourself today in order to enhance the quality of your own life. There's nothing wrong with self-interest, especially if your health and vitality could benefit from extra attention."

I say this because: 

I had what could amount to a "bad night" at work.  Not so much that I didn't have the greatest night, but that I had a very forgettable night.  I'll acknowledge that LSU's shitty play in a 41-34 win at Alabama was particularly unnerving, to the point where I was wanting to throw things.  I was livid.  I was also in an unfavorably unnerving situation with one of my co-workers.  I generally like to communicate, have fun while I'm working--especially when I'm in a shitty mood.  This guy likes to keep his distance and be work-only.  I can't do that.  I like to keep my options for things to think about open, just in case I limit myself to work only and work starts pissing me off.  Well, with no one to really clown with (with a few exceptions) most of the night, I was largely brooding, and a bit off. 

That said, I left the place in quite a hurry.  On the way home, my boy called me to tell me he'd been beaten up, and he wanted me to work for him later today.  I told him I was going to try to go to the Saints game today, and since I was off celebrate a bit.  I also told him I wasn't having a particularly great night, and really didn't want to be in the building at all.  He told me he understood and called someone else.  I get home and find out he'd woken up in the hospital.  This is the point at which my roommate decides to try and guilt trip me into changing my mind.  Bear in mind I come home to a house full of my drunk friends, and to me, everyone is in between me and either a drink or a bowl.  Trying to pressure me into working wasn't getting any audience. 

I reach my bowl, sort that out, and see LSU gave up 130 yards in penalties to go with three interceptions.  I then request an audience with my roommate to explain that I've been experiencing a period of depression that is starting to reach a kind of full tilt that requires immediate attention, and all I get is "think outside yourself" and "I got it worse than you".  Then the truth comes out:  "I guess I'm just trying to get you to do it because he's done so much for me, and I feel like I owe him something."  When did I become collateral?  Am I a bargaining chip?  Do I look like property?  Are you fucking kidding me?

At that point, leaving the house became paramount.

I called my friend Mark.  As it turned out, he'd managed to hurt himself on the way home.  I told him I'd be right over.  I ran back into the house, grabbed my bud, and headed over towards his place.  On the way, I decided that I'd call my boy and tell him that I'd come in for him and him only.  He told me he'd gotten someone to replace him, and appreciated that I'd called back to offer assistance.

What does all this mean?  Well, I don't know.  What I think it means is that, since that was yesterday's horoscope--which I didn't read until an hour ago--and that's how my evening went, it's probably time for me to try to get some things done towards that end.  I think it's because the people I want to see most are least accessible.  They're my outlets.  Man, I just thought about that:  I live closer to two of my best friends, and I talk to them much less than I did when I lived in Memphis.

Mark managed to catch his foot in the spokes of his front tire, sending him flying from his bike.  An abrasion, a possible twist of the ankle, and definitely some wrist area issues were his ailments.  He appears to be doing okay for now; he went out to breakfast and is probably coming over here to watch the game, since I'm not actually going now.  I'm trying to get some people over to watch it.  This should be fun.  Maybe get my friends I never see here; that way we can all have some fucking fun, and I get some of my sanity back.

Current music: Jody Wisternoff - October 2007.

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18th April, 2007. 3:13 pm. anger

I'm angry.

I'm impatient that it's taking time so long to pass, thus staying my course back home, forcing me to suffer through these idiots with whom I work.  Not them all, just a select few.

I'm at my wits end about how to quit obsessing over why I'm angry with them.  It all stems from them not doing for me what I do for them, which is as simple as respect.  I guess I don't deserve theirs anymore than they deserve mine, but I continue to be the person that I am, who works hard and still tries to do what I'm supposed to do.

Finally, the bank.

I went to the bank on Monday to grab $10 in quarters.  What I did though was transferred $20 from savings to checking to cover that, gas, and a couple other expenses.  Somehow, they entered the withdrawal as $20.  I went back to the bank today (I wish I'd seen it then) to get the error corrected, but I was given the runaround ("He only came up two cents over", "He doesn't work everyday", etc.).  NO.  I work in an industry where the people don't even have to tell the truth and they get something free.  You're playing with my fucking money like this?  You can go through, look at the security tapes, and watch me leave with only a roll of quarters.  There's like twelve fucking cameras.  Twelve.  I'm sure at least eight of them caught me and the roll of coins with which I left.  I really don't want to have to sue the bank and subpoena that over $10, but I'm at my wits end about this.  I hate more than anything to be called a liar when I know I'm telling the truth.  I hate false accusation when there's all the proof in the world to the contrary.  It's fucking killing me.  Now I gotta go to work and not blow up at these fucking morons.

Wow.  I really  hate cusps.  It always takes a toll on me emotionally...well, except Pisces-Aries and Leo-Virgo.

Meh.

I need to imagine myself rising above all this bullshit.



Current mood: irate.
Current music: Failure - Fantastic Planet.

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11th April, 2007. 12:10 am. been a while

SO I've been on a hiatus.  I knew one would come; I got way too busy over the weekend.  Actually, there has always been time for me to update.  Anyways, I've kind of backslid a little bit.  I'd like to think of my new awakening as a new religion of sorts, where a renewed, successful, and infinitely happy me is my new 'god', and this transitional me on the way to that is made in that image.  It's a bit much in the realm of metaphors, I know, but it works for me and that's all that matters.

Went to see my boy Chris yesterday; hadn't seen him in like 10 years.  I'm really glad I got to see him again, too.  That made me smile.  I need to hang out with that kid more.  He's an awesome fucker.

So now I'm back on track.  I kind of went into my savings a little bit, but then again I kind of had to so I'd have the money I needed to rent the car.  Apparently they require a minimum balance of $250 in your account or something like that.  Oh, and gas.  Dude.  Gas.  What the fuck?!@?

I'm done.  I got a bed to go to.  I'm also done with the one line from "Until Tomorrow" by Hybrid.  You guys just needa get that song in your lives.

-c

Current mood: calm.
Current music: none.

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6th April, 2007. 11:10 am. who knows.

Yesterday I did something I've probably been needing to do for quite some time:  disconnected from work.  I mean this in the sense that I was fed up at the fact that I'd had about $150 in sales by 7pm last night, meaning I'd made a grand total of like $4.  I just said "Fuck it", and went about life.  Then we got sickly busy.  Luckily I was completely disconnected; otherwise, I would've found myself "in the weeds".  Hell, for a moment I tried to put myself in the weeds, just to feel something.  Kind of glad I didn't.  Made the rest of the night go very well for me.  I think I'm better when I pay less attention to the place at large.  I think that's what I'll do for the rest of my time here.  

Started taking Hydroxycut.  Let's see what happens after a couple of weeks.  I hope I don't develop a caffeine addiction.

Until tomorrow...on a different kind of Sunday morning.

 



Current mood: cold.
Current music: ESPN.

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5th April, 2007. 11:43 am. Who knows.

Yesterday was the kind of day I need.  I got myself waaaaaay in the weeds.  I mean, I was so far in I admitted to it.  I told people at tables that I had "bitten off more than I can chew", hoping they would understand that we were sickly busy and things might take me a bit.  It worked out; only one bad tip.  I sold almost every kind of filet we offer.  Felt neat.

Other than that, I walked to Captain D's to get some food before work, I...did laundry, and, well, that's pretty much it.  

Yeah, I know.  These entries are getting shorter, but that's just because I've gotten less...well...I dunno.  I'm having trouble maintaining the level of excitement I experienced with my sort of awakening.  I have started taking Hydroxycut to work on that stomach thing I have going on.

We'll see.

Current mood: blah.
Current music: None.

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4th April, 2007. 12:16 am. Pissing out/pissing in?

Daily Show.  A rerun, in fact.  The Daily Show needs to be more daily.

This is just another day.  Just making money, counting the days until I'm out.  Really, just kind of living each day as though it's there for me to do so.  When compartmentalizing, it's always best to understand best what's in front of you.  I say this mostly because I had a day today.  It wasn't phenomenal, it wasn't abhorrent.  It was a livable day.  I didn't breathe fire, didn't find gold.  I didn't make anyone's day brighter than usual; didn't shit on anyone's day either.  I lived.  Maybe that's the key to every day.  Just live.  Try to throw what's bad away; try to keep what's good around.  I'm having too much trouble with that part...the part where I willfully suspend my attachment to other people's thoughts and emotions enough to concentrate only on what I need to do and what will get my job done.  Most of the reasoning behind that is my job basically centers around the thoughts and emotions of others; customers mostly and most importantly, but still others.  It's hard for me to do so in a robotic fashion because I don't know that capacity.

I don't have a direction for this one, but here's to getting the old phone bill outta the way today.  The rest of this week's money can go towards...well, my ultimate goal.

We'll see.

Until tomorrow...on a different kind of Sunday morning.

Current mood: okay.
Current music: Nothing at present..

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3rd April, 2007. 3:13 am. aah, moon, thou with thy light.

I miss stars.

I don't get to see much of them living in a city that lights things up all night.  The light obscures them.  Clouds don't help.  I did, however, get to see the full moon.  That's always a nice sight.  I'm home and I didn't go running today.  I should hurt me.  Naah, I just don't give myself enough impetus to do so.  I was on a roll for a good bit, then I fell off.  Maybe I need to start an accountability journal, so that I HAVE to post what exercising I've done that day to try to get my stomach back to a presentable flat.

This is all for today.  Work was work, and that's really all I did.

Until tomorrow...on a different kind of Sunday morning.

Current mood: sleepy.
Current music: Classical on WKNO.

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2nd April, 2007. 11:49 am. holy living fuck

well well well.  Sunday turned out to be the shit that it really is.  I hate religion sometimes, and I hate people's addiction to it.  It's as though their lives go unsolved so long as they have no clue what happens when it's done.  Why does that matter, when your greatest work is to be done while you're alive?  If you want to be good to people, do that because it feels good, not because some absentee landlord says you'll get a thousand virgins or you'll know bliss all your days.  What happens when you're dead and this whole afterlife thing comes to pass?  You think you'll be able to do all the things you restricted yourself from doing while alive?  NOPE!  You'll still be chained to whatever belief system you had, still worshipping, still serving, still under control.  But no one sees that.  They just see that heaven is a goal.  Fuck that.  Living right is a goal.

I say this because something about a 9.5% performance in tips was blasphemous.  I especially liked the $1.60 I got on $33.40.  "Girl, you good enough to take out, but $35 is all I can spend on you.  I'mma make this nigga do all this shit and I ain't gon' pay him worth a fuck for doin' it.  So you gon' gimme some ass now right?  Cuz if not I got another girl down the way I can get some ass from too, but I ain't gon' tell you bout her."  Stupid motherfuckers.  Goddamn I hate my job sometimes.  Really I just hate this fucking city.  Okay fine, I'm hung over.  But that doesn't change the fact that people are idiots.  It does, however, affect the eight different directions in which this post has gone.

Got another bill in savings, I'm doing really well with that now.  I'm trying to use that as the carrot to dangle in front of me that makes me want to work harder and overlook everyone else's existence while there, but I'm finding a lot of trouble with that.  When everyone else feels like it's their birth right to be lazy, it's harder for me to step up and do anything extra.  I'm trying, but goddamn it sucks.

Meh; I'm taking a nap now.  Damn all this being awake shit.

Current mood: drained.
Current music: Dave Chappelle - "Piss on You".

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